Reflections
by Ryuka
Summary: One night, fairly early on in her travels, Colette muses about her journey and her companions.


Colette sat quietly atop a little rise, watching her companions as they slept. She hadn't needed much sleep lately. She just never seemed to feel sleepy. Tired, yes. She always seemed to be tired anymore. This journey . . . it was _hard_. Harder than she'd ever thought it would be. Walking all day, not really knowing where it was they were headed or how long it would take to get there, fording streams, climbing mountains, trekking across deserts. And the _monsters_. Colette had never even known there were so many different kinds. They could come at any time of the day or night, and they did. Then their little group would have to fight, again.

Colette had never killed, before she had started this trip. She'd known how to. They had trained her in fighting techniques back in Iselia – knowing she'd need such skills to complete her journey – and Lloyd had taught her more. She had never been a natural, but her skills were . . . passable, as long as her innate clumsiness didn't interfere.

But she had never killed. She hadn't needed to; hadn't _wanted_ to, and now that seemed to be all there was. Fighting, killing, recovering only to fight again, to kill again, until Colette was sick with the sight of blood.

Every time they fought, every time they killed and left the bodies of both beasts and people littered around them, Colette would kneel in the battlefield and offer up a little prayer for the souls of those that had died. The others laughed at her, Lloyd called her a dummy, but they always waited, watching her as she prayed, until she was finished. Then she picked herself up and went on.

Colette hated having to fight; hated having to kill and kill and kill again, until she was drenched in blood and so weary she could barely move. But she knew that if she just gave up, simply dropped her ring blades and let them come, then everyone who had died would have done so in vain. She _must_ complete her journey of world regeneration, not only for the sake of the small party she had traveled so far with, but for the sake of the entire world. It wasn't about her at all, really, and what she did or did not want. It was about all those who were suffering now, and the land, which was dying, and which _she_ could put to rights. Shouldn't she do anything for that chance, no matter the cost?

Colette sighed. She was terribly tired already, and this was really only the beginning of her journey. They had a lot farther yet to go, more seals yet to break. She wasn't sure how many there were, nor was she exactly clear on why they had to be broken; something to do with mana flow, she imagined. But this was what Lord Remiel – her father, she reminded herself – had instructed her to do.

Her father . . . It was difficult to think of him as such. He was such a distant figure, this being from another world. She knew almost nothing about him; had come face to face with him only a few times in her life. And though he had called her "daughter", the word had seemed more like a command, a reminder of her duty, than one of love and affection.

She shook her head, trying to rid herself of such thoughts. They were unkind and unworthy of her angel father. He was probably bound by duty as much as she was. Besides, perhaps it would be too painful for him to get close to her since . . . since. . .

Colette shook her head again. What was _wrong_ with her tonight? Such gloomy thoughts. She took a deep breath and looked about her. Moonlight coated the hills in a gleam of silver, outlining every blade of grass, and the stars were shining bright and clear. Looking at those stars, you'd never know there was anything wrong with the world at all.

Below her, the last embers of the fire cast a warm, red glow over her companions, curled within their bedrolls. Colette smiled. How could anyone be gloomy when they had friends like these? That they had come with her on her journey meant the world to Colette. They didn't have to. She had been fully prepared to go alone. But Raine had offered to come, and Colette hadn't refused her. The professor's reason was partly curiosity, she knew; a chance to see the world. But it was also that Raine felt a sort of responsibility to her, as her teacher.

And Kratos. He was stand-offish and proud, and he didn't talk much, but he was the one who held their group together. He was the one who rounded them up and got them moving in the morning, the one who organised meals and watch duty, the one who kept them from blind panic when a pack of monsters descended on them in the night. Without him, they would have been dead long ago, and though he huffed and insisted that he was only doing his job, she knew better. She knew that he hadn't collected any money at all from Phaidra, not yet, and that he knew his chances of getting any were slim, because of what had happened in Iselia. But still he fought alongside them and protected them all.

She looked across at Genis's boyish face, still and gentle in the moonlight. Brave Genis, who had chosen exile with Lloyd rather than take the easy way out. His endless knowledge and somewhat sarcastic remarks made their journey easier; and Colette never tired of his playful fights with Lloyd.

And of course Lloyd. What could she say about him? Her best friend and closest confidante. Brave, loyal, funny (sometimes without meaning to be), not always the cleverest person, but always willing to help a friend in trouble.

Colette smiled fondly as her gaze lingered on his outline against the fire, remembering the practice duels they'd had together. The training had really been more of an excuse to be with him than anything else, a chance to hear him laugh and call her names and scold her when she apologized for something. She had to admit, sometimes she was clumsy on purpose, just to get that laugh out of him.

Sometimes Genis came too, to train with them or just to watch. He seemed to enjoy watching them spar, and sometimes he would whisper things to Lloyd that made the taller boy laugh, or blush, or playfully threaten Genis with a sheathed sword. Colette always wondered what passed between them then, but was put off with an off-hand "boy stuff" when she asked.

Sometimes Colette was jealous of Genis, because he had gotten to Lloyd first. Lloyd had been her very first friend. The other children, even Genis, had been wary of her because she was the Chosen, and that made her essentially different. Perhaps, she thought, they had even been a little afraid of her; or rather of the legends and superstitions that surrounded the Chosen. She had tried very hard to be likeable, to show them that she was really no more than just a girl, but it hadn't made a difference . . . until Lloyd came.

He hadn't noticed any difference between her and the other children; hadn't even known that she was the Chosen until Genis told him. Genis was a bit of an outsider too, because of his elf blood, and Lloyd had picked him up right away. It had taken him longer to notice the shy, quiet girl in the back of the classroom, but when he had he'd immediately befriended her. That was the kind of person he was. For that, Colette was profoundly grateful, and she tried hard to quash the jealousy she still occasionally felt. After all, she had no right to harbor such feelings. Lloyd and Genis would be friends for a very long time, she was sure, and if Lloyd didn't like her as much, perhaps it wouldn't be so bad when . . .

Colette tugged absently at her hair, starting to feel a little ashamed, not for the first time. She had not told Lloyd about the inevitable end to her journey. She knew she should have, he should at least be prepared for it, but she couldn't quite bring herself to do it. How did you even start a conversation like that?

It would have been easier if she had succeeded in leaving him behind in Iselia, but she had to admit she liked having him along. This way she could spend more time with him. Still, it was going to be hard. Much harder than the first time she'd parted with him, when he'd so blithely waved goodbye that night, thinking he'd see her the next morning.

She had wanted to tell him then; how she felt about him, but she'd stopped herself. It wasn't fair to him, telling him something like that, then running off without another word. Besides, Colette didn't feel she even had a right to such feelings, circumstances being what they were. She had, in fact, tried many times to squash them, but they refused to be squashed. So at last she had sighed and simply let them come, though she'd never said anything about it to anyone.

That was one of the reasons it was so impossible for her to tell him about her journey's end. So for now she would say nothing. He would be terribly hurt, she knew, but Lloyd was strong; he would come through it just fine. Besides, she was not so very important.

Colette sighed, then shook herself all over, trying to clear away such melancholy thoughts. She really _must_ be tired. Perhaps she should try to get some sleep after all, once her watch was over.

A noise drew her eyes back down to her companions, where she saw Raine sit up, rubbing her eyes, and glance up at the stars. The professor slid out of her bedroll and started up the hill toward Colette.

"Hey," she said quietly as she reached the top. Colette smiled up at her. "It's past time for my watch," Raine continued, sitting down next to the younger girl. "Why didn't you wake me?"

"I . . . guess I was just thinking of other things and wasn't paying attention," Colette said sheepishly. Actually she had been planning to let the professor sleep a bit longer. Raine needed the rest more than Colette did.

"Colette . . . " Raine said as the girl started to rise. "There was something I wanted to ask you. Without, you know . . . without the others around."

"Yes?" Colette looked over at her.

"You . . . you know what's going to happen to you at the end of this journey, don't you?" Raine grimaced, as if the words left a bad taste in her mouth.

"Of course," Colette said, smiling gently. "I've always known."

"So how . . . how do you go on living like you do? How do you keep on smiling?" Raine looked away, shamefaced, as Colette paused, considering.

"I guess," she said finally, "I guess it's just that I want to enjoy life as much as I can until then. Anyway, this is why I was born. It's the way things are. Being unhappy about it isn't going to change anything."

Raine looked up at her, studying the girl's face. Colette gave a little shrug and started down the rise, then stopped and turned to look back.

"Besides," she said, giving Raine a brilliant smile, "I'm afraid that if I ever start to cry, I'll never stop." She turned away and continued down toward the rest of their group, feeling Raine's eyes on her the whole way.


End file.
